


It sifts from leaden sieves

by willowcatkin



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Character Study, Gen, vague spoilers for manga chapter 96
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23976046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowcatkin/pseuds/willowcatkin
Summary: "Satan’s flames are blue," Yukio remembers reading. It’s not purposeful, or intentional when he imagines the color in his mind: translucent blue like the flickering outline of a flame—a barely visible, light blue.When Yukio sees those flames for the first time, it's nothing like he'd imagined.
Relationships: Okumura Rin & Okumura Yukio
Comments: 19
Kudos: 71





	It sifts from leaden sieves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluewindfall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluewindfall/gifts).



Yukio doesn’t remember when he first learned about the Blue Night. He reads about it in textbooks and experiences it through the careful whispers of older exorcists, but it’s not something he keeps at the front of his mind.

 _Satan’s flames are blue_ , he remembers reading. It’s not purposeful, or intentional when he imagines the color in his mind: translucent blue like the flickering outline of a flame—a barely visible, light blue.

It was difficult to connect that to Rin, not because it was dangerous and Rin wasn’t, but because Rin is different. Rin is not words that he reads in books. He’s not something intangible. Rin is…his brother. That has never changed.

 _“Yukio…why don’t you join me in the battle?”_ He still remembers his father’s words, clear enough to be a recording because he’s thought of them over and over again.

Before he had realized, it had become a source of strength for him; studying to become an exorcist, knowing about the other world. It was something only _he_ could do, and somewhere along the way he started to believe it. Rin would never know about demons. He would never have to know the horrors that Yukio has seen. He’ll never see the world Yukio has nightmares about.

So even when training was hard, painful, _lonely_ , Yukio would bear it. _I’m doing this for Tou-san—for Nii-san_ , he would remind himself.

He reminds himself every day, and he never forgets that promise.

But he doesn’t remember when it became everything. It was what he strove to obtain, above anything else, and then it _became_ him. Yukio would study harder than anyone, he would be strong, he would be the best exorcist. It becomes his shield, a carefully crafted shell that he hides behind. _And Nii-san will never know_ , he’d realized.

He doesn’t mind.

He doesn’t remember when it started to change. It’s his reason now—his reason for existing, and his justification. _I will protect Nii-san._

But seeing them in person shatters that illusion. He remembers seeing the blue flames, bright and blinding—even more brilliant than the beautiful light of the dawning day—burning through the windows of the monastery.

Yukio is not enough. He is not enough to protect anyone. He must become stronger.

He tries his best to protect Rin, because Rin is honest and straightforward and he’s wreathed in the flames of Gehenna, but he’s _kind_. He’s genuinely kind and utterly careless about all his actions. He doesn’t think about anything at all. Rin doesn’t think about what would happen if people realize that he’s a demon.

It frustrates him. _Why don’t you think before you act? Why can’t you think about the consequences?_ He wishes that Rin would worry more about himself, rather than others. He doesn’t need Rin to use his powers to help others. He needs Rin to be alive and well. He should just leave everything else to Yukio.

More than anything, Yukio does not want Rin to change.

He convinces himself that nothing else matters. Yukio doesn’t _fit_ anywhere; he never has. But part of him had always assumed things would change. Maybe if he started training to become an exorcist, maybe if he became an exorcist, maybe if he knew some exorcists his own age—it unravels slowly until it trails behind him like invisible chains weighing him down.

He ignores Rin’s questions and smiles at Shiemi. He distances himself even when they make an effort to include him. Sometimes he wonders if they can see right through him, like the clear depths of a cold lake, deprived of oxygen, a toxic wasteland where nothing will ever grow.

It doesn’t matter. He bandages his wounds and moves forward. He’s human and fragile and weak, but at least he’s _human_. No one will execute him for existing.

But then Tōdō _laughs_ at him and Yukio’s vision erupts into blue. He smiles at Yukio with fire burning half of his face, and rasps from his half-formed trachea, “ _That’s the face of a demon. That’s the real you._ ”

Tōdō’s words in the alleyway tear through him again, and Yukio’s heart lurches when they resonate deep inside him. _“I wanted to be like my father. Like my big brother. Other than that, who am I?”_

When Rin’s flames burn the miasma away, clearing the mountain of the Impure King’s corruption, Yukio is terrified. _What happened to him? Why is he using his flames?_ Yukio’s vision blurs as the warm flames rush past him, and fear pierces through him, threatening to wrench his heart out of his chest.

When he arrives at the top of the hill with his chest heaving and legs about to give in, he sees his brother being congratulated. The fury that rushes through him is unstoppable. _How dare you rely on my brother? Do they not realize how dangerous it was—how precarious Nii-san’s situation is?_

He swallows down his anger, but Shura’s careless dismissal and Rin’s proud smile do nothing to suppress his worry.

Yukio punches Rin.

_Think about yourself first_ , he wants to scream. _What if something happened to you?_

The Order wants to execute Rin, and all Rin has done is to give them more reason to do so.

It turns out that Rin has never understood Yukio’s anger. No, Rin draws his sword, asks Yukio to accept his power, and collapses from exhaustion.

It makes Yukio feel conflicted. He should have realized his brother would misunderstand. Rin might not remember what he looked like fighting Amaimon, but Yukio hasn’t forgotten. That had not been Yukio’s brother. He will not allow Rin to become that…that _monster_.

If only he had been stronger. If he had defeated Tōdō, if he had been faster… if he had killed Tōdō in that alleyway—then maybe Rin wouldn’t have had to use his flames.

Yukio isn’t strong enough—not nearly enough.

He trains. His eye burns with blue flames. He’s arrested by the Order.

Yukio’s mind strays on the borderline between terror and rage when Rin breaks him out of the Academy. There’s snow on the ground, and a single line of shoeprints separates them on the bridge.

He wishes the snowflakes would obscure his vision. Instead, the cold sharpens his mind, and for the first time in months, he knows exactly what to do.

Tōdō’s words fall from his lips effortlessly, cruel and hurtful enough that Rin will believe them.

“I’m sorry Nii-san. I want to be strong.”

Tōdō was right.

_“I wanted to be like my father. Like my big brother. Other than that, who am I?”_

Yukio doesn’t have anything else.

He pulls the trigger. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and comments are always appreciated :D
> 
> The title of this fic comes from Emily Dickinson's poem about snow, "It sifts from leaden sieves." It's really pretty poem and sort of a tiny bit creepy too, so I thought it fit very nicely. 
> 
> So, I watched Ao no Exorcist back in high school, and I never thought that I would end up writing anything for this anime (or anything in general haha) so it's kind of surreal to be typing out this note. But, if you read this fic, you should definitely go check out bluewindfall's stories (especially [this one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23694247/chapters/56889112/)) because they are amazing and she really likes Yukio ~~'s glasses.~~
> 
> P.S. I've always had a really hard time understanding Yukio, and I think he's definitely the most complicated character in the anime. I only managed to scratch the surface of his confusing personality here, but I hope I did okay XD


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